woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
