I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
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