When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Randomize
