I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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