I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
did i walk over a car last night?
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
