I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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