Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
she pinky promised me she was 18
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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