I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Randomize
