The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
