I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
