when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
