When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
