just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
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