I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
