i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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