somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
