Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
