Its a bunch of hippies dancing in front of a stobe light. For ten dollars I could have gone to the strip club and at least had a lap dance
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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