Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
