My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
