peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
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