I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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