call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Couch. On fire.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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