hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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