I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
