IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
