I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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