I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
my poor anus
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
