She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
