I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
