so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
