im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Two words: nipple clamps
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