11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
