i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
BRING THE BAGELS
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
