If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
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