Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I would ride that face into the sunset
Randomize
