She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Randomize
