i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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