i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
