my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
