Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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