Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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