So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
