I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
