Your face is a jimmy john
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
home. puking in laundry basket.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
