I wish I could teleport
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
