so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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