Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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