My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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