if you like me you must not know who I am
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
