you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
