Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
