I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
