i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
